Tuesday, 15 February 2011
Thursday, 8 July 2010
Wednesday, 16 June 2010
Tuesday, 15 June 2010
Monday, 25 January 2010
ha bloody ha
What did the busy morse code operator say?
Got to dash
A small Cambridgeshire village called High-Fen
A website dedicated to the sexual advances of the ex Guns n Roses guitarist.
www.forwardslash.com
Establish visual contact with a frozen female sheep.
ICUICU
Got to dash
A small Cambridgeshire village called High-Fen
A website dedicated to the sexual advances of the ex Guns n Roses guitarist.
www.forwardslash.com
Establish visual contact with a frozen female sheep.
ICUICU
Wednesday, 23 September 2009
Friday, 15 May 2009
Da daaa da daaaaaaaaaaa
Two guys sitting in an office. 1 is an absolute tool. 2 is a normal guy, whose just about had enough of the sort of stuff that 1 constantly comes out with.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1
“ Don’t you think it’s spooky that they’ve never done a ‘This is your life’ for Michael Aspel?”
2
“Actually, I’m pretty sure they have. Even if they hadn’t I can’t imagine in what respect it would be spooky.”
1
“They have, have they? Oooh. How ironic.”
2
“No. Not ironic at all. If they hadn’t have, you could have maybe said that it would have been ironic. But they have done. ”
1
“Still. It’s a bit strange.”
2
“It’s not strange. If I had to use one word that did describe Michael Aspel’s own ‘This is you life’ it would be inevitable. I suspect after the first series, he’d have thought to himself, ‘This will happen to me one day.’ Let alone after 15 years…”
1 (Interrupting)
“I love that show. Did you see it last week? I think they had the prime minister on it?”
2
“The show hasn’t run for years.”
1
“Don’t be silly. I’m watching it now.”
(Turns screen to number 2)
2
“That’s coverage of this year’s budget.”
1
“Oh yeah. It is. They are more or less the same thing though aren’t they? A big red book. Guy with grey hair?”
2
“What do you mean they are same? One is a complex, carefully worked financial strategy, encompassing many an intricate equation designed to see the UK’s economy through the coming financial year. The other is a sentimental journey, come love in, glossing over the ups and downs of a minor personality’s life within show business.
If I wanted to pick two shows that were polar opposites; it would be the coverage of the budget and an episode of ‘This is your life.’
1 (Flippantly)
“Well, you know what they say, opposites attract.”
2 (Getting annoyed)
“What does that mean? That means nothing. You can’t dismiss facts by chucking proverbs around.”
1 (Taking no notice. And firmly believing he’s on to something.)
“Do you know what I’d love to see?”
2 (Exasperated)
“No.”
1
“This is really funny. You’ll like this. It’s a bit out there. Like you.
Michael Aspel as an air steward. Demonstrating the safety manual. Do you know what it’s called? (pauses) This is your…”
2 (With no conviction)
…life jacket?”
1(Excitedly)
“BRILLIANT! I was thinking ‘This is your (pauses)…captain speaking.’ But that’s even better.”
2
“He’s not the cap…”
1
“Could you imagine it? (Does this is your life music over the Tanoy) Fasten your seat-belts please. Exits are here, here and here. If the planes starts to descend at speed, shall we go higher or lower? (Bruce Forsyth) Higher? Higher? Higher…”
2
“Have you even ever seen ‘This is you life?’”
1
“Of course. I download the podcast. Look.”
Shows 1 an I-pod with Michael Parkinson interviewing Rod Hull and Emu.
1
“Ooooo. I really hate that Orville.”
2
“I really fucking hate you.”
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1
“ Don’t you think it’s spooky that they’ve never done a ‘This is your life’ for Michael Aspel?”
2
“Actually, I’m pretty sure they have. Even if they hadn’t I can’t imagine in what respect it would be spooky.”
1
“They have, have they? Oooh. How ironic.”
2
“No. Not ironic at all. If they hadn’t have, you could have maybe said that it would have been ironic. But they have done. ”
1
“Still. It’s a bit strange.”
2
“It’s not strange. If I had to use one word that did describe Michael Aspel’s own ‘This is you life’ it would be inevitable. I suspect after the first series, he’d have thought to himself, ‘This will happen to me one day.’ Let alone after 15 years…”
1 (Interrupting)
“I love that show. Did you see it last week? I think they had the prime minister on it?”
2
“The show hasn’t run for years.”
1
“Don’t be silly. I’m watching it now.”
(Turns screen to number 2)
2
“That’s coverage of this year’s budget.”
1
“Oh yeah. It is. They are more or less the same thing though aren’t they? A big red book. Guy with grey hair?”
2
“What do you mean they are same? One is a complex, carefully worked financial strategy, encompassing many an intricate equation designed to see the UK’s economy through the coming financial year. The other is a sentimental journey, come love in, glossing over the ups and downs of a minor personality’s life within show business.
If I wanted to pick two shows that were polar opposites; it would be the coverage of the budget and an episode of ‘This is your life.’
1 (Flippantly)
“Well, you know what they say, opposites attract.”
2 (Getting annoyed)
“What does that mean? That means nothing. You can’t dismiss facts by chucking proverbs around.”
1 (Taking no notice. And firmly believing he’s on to something.)
“Do you know what I’d love to see?”
2 (Exasperated)
“No.”
1
“This is really funny. You’ll like this. It’s a bit out there. Like you.
Michael Aspel as an air steward. Demonstrating the safety manual. Do you know what it’s called? (pauses) This is your…”
2 (With no conviction)
…life jacket?”
1(Excitedly)
“BRILLIANT! I was thinking ‘This is your (pauses)…captain speaking.’ But that’s even better.”
2
“He’s not the cap…”
1
“Could you imagine it? (Does this is your life music over the Tanoy) Fasten your seat-belts please. Exits are here, here and here. If the planes starts to descend at speed, shall we go higher or lower? (Bruce Forsyth) Higher? Higher? Higher…”
2
“Have you even ever seen ‘This is you life?’”
1
“Of course. I download the podcast. Look.”
Shows 1 an I-pod with Michael Parkinson interviewing Rod Hull and Emu.
1
“Ooooo. I really hate that Orville.”
2
“I really fucking hate you.”
Monday, 11 May 2009
Just for the record
If there was a situation where a group of people ended up literally having egg on their face, but were the group who were correct within the given situation, and those whose face’s were egg free are those who've been proven wrong and whom metaphorically have egg on their face, I’d probably steer clear of using that particular idiom in describing what had happened.
Thursday, 7 May 2009
Kook-kook -ka-choo
"I'm a bit crazy."
When these words leave the mouth of someone in which you're engaged in a conversation with it's time to leave the room. People who label themselves as kooky or crazy really aren't.
This may sound like the sort of pathetic introduction you'd get to the 'more or bore' column in the free paper, but I couldn't think of another way to introduce this little sketch that I've co-written with a friend of mine. It's a about kooky people.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A kooky girl is sitting at her desk having just collected her lunch from the kitchen. In her grating, yet floaty, tone she openly ponders, "What do you think it's like when you close the fridge door? Do you think all the food gets on?"
A man, who's an idiotic sycophant, and whom constantly encourages this sort banal conversation replies, "I don't know. I really don't...That's a good one. Maybe they have an orgy?"
The girl laughs, this is exactly the sort of shit she wants to shovel, "I think the ham and cheese would be having a snog, on top of the cucumber." she giggles. "Oh, they would be, wouldn't they?" chirps the man. Unaware that he'd have used that reply to anything she'd suggested.
Another man sits near by. He's heard this many a time before. It fills him with an uncontrollable rage, yet he is compelled to listen.
"I don't think it would all be peaches and cream in there." muses the girl, blissfully unaware of the food pun she has just made. "I think there would be a bit of tension."
"Of course there would." is the automated response from the first man.
"Of course, of course there would, you fucking prick." the second man thinks to himself.
The girl continues. "I don't think the quiche and that jar of Japanese mushrooms would have much to say to each other. It could get nasty."
"Oh, it could reallly kick off!" the first man says.
"It'd be like school. You could say, there's going to be a scrap between the mushrooms and the quiche." says the girl, picking up the pace.
"Yeah, you could say there's going to be a right tear up." says the man even more enthusiastically.
The girl stumbles, "You could say...you could...say."
There is a prolonged pause, punctuated with 'umms' and 'errs' whilst both try and fail to think of something to say.
"You could say," shouts the second man, standing up, "You could say, that the shittake is about to hit the flan."
The idiots burst into laughter, "You are so crazy!" says the girl to the second man, "I love it. Brilliant!"
The second man sits down and fantasizes about stabbing himself in the eye with a pencil.
When these words leave the mouth of someone in which you're engaged in a conversation with it's time to leave the room. People who label themselves as kooky or crazy really aren't.
This may sound like the sort of pathetic introduction you'd get to the 'more or bore' column in the free paper, but I couldn't think of another way to introduce this little sketch that I've co-written with a friend of mine. It's a about kooky people.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A kooky girl is sitting at her desk having just collected her lunch from the kitchen. In her grating, yet floaty, tone she openly ponders, "What do you think it's like when you close the fridge door? Do you think all the food gets on?"
A man, who's an idiotic sycophant, and whom constantly encourages this sort banal conversation replies, "I don't know. I really don't...That's a good one. Maybe they have an orgy?"
The girl laughs, this is exactly the sort of shit she wants to shovel, "I think the ham and cheese would be having a snog, on top of the cucumber." she giggles. "Oh, they would be, wouldn't they?" chirps the man. Unaware that he'd have used that reply to anything she'd suggested.
Another man sits near by. He's heard this many a time before. It fills him with an uncontrollable rage, yet he is compelled to listen.
"I don't think it would all be peaches and cream in there." muses the girl, blissfully unaware of the food pun she has just made. "I think there would be a bit of tension."
"Of course there would." is the automated response from the first man.
"Of course, of course there would, you fucking prick." the second man thinks to himself.
The girl continues. "I don't think the quiche and that jar of Japanese mushrooms would have much to say to each other. It could get nasty."
"Oh, it could reallly kick off!" the first man says.
"It'd be like school. You could say, there's going to be a scrap between the mushrooms and the quiche." says the girl, picking up the pace.
"Yeah, you could say there's going to be a right tear up." says the man even more enthusiastically.
The girl stumbles, "You could say...you could...say."
There is a prolonged pause, punctuated with 'umms' and 'errs' whilst both try and fail to think of something to say.
"You could say," shouts the second man, standing up, "You could say, that the shittake is about to hit the flan."
The idiots burst into laughter, "You are so crazy!" says the girl to the second man, "I love it. Brilliant!"
The second man sits down and fantasizes about stabbing himself in the eye with a pencil.
Complimentary condiment computer game compendium
Have you ever been to a Weatherspoon's and re-created scenes from classic computer games on the table using the free sachets of sauce?
This is for all those who haven't lived...
This is for all those who haven't lived...
Easter Video
Our agency Easter card. Starring the vocal talents of myself and Nick as various employees of HS&P.
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