Kook-kook -ka-choo

"I'm a bit crazy."

When these words leave the mouth of someone in which you're engaged in a conversation with it's time to leave the room. People who label themselves as kooky or crazy really aren't.

This may sound like the sort of pathetic introduction you'd get to the 'more or bore' column in the free paper, but I couldn't think of another way to introduce this little sketch that I've co-written with a friend of mine. It's a about kooky people.

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A kooky girl is sitting at her desk having just collected her lunch from the kitchen. In her grating, yet floaty, tone she openly ponders, "What do you think it's like when you close the fridge door? Do you think all the food gets on?"

A man, who's an idiotic sycophant, and whom constantly encourages this sort banal conversation replies, "I don't know. I really don't...That's a good one. Maybe they have an orgy?"

The girl laughs, this is exactly the sort of shit she wants to shovel, "I think the ham and cheese would be having a snog, on top of the cucumber." she giggles. "Oh, they would be, wouldn't they?" chirps the man. Unaware that he'd have used that reply to anything she'd suggested.

Another man sits near by. He's heard this many a time before. It fills him with an uncontrollable rage, yet he is compelled to listen.

"I don't think it would all be peaches and cream in there." muses the girl, blissfully unaware of the food pun she has just made. "I think there would be a bit of tension."

"Of course there would." is the automated response from the first man.

"Of course, of course there would, you fucking prick." the second man thinks to himself.

The girl continues. "I don't think the quiche and that jar of Japanese mushrooms would have much to say to each other. It could get nasty."

"Oh, it could reallly kick off!" the first man says.

"It'd be like school. You could say, there's going to be a scrap between the mushrooms and the quiche." says the girl, picking up the pace.

"Yeah, you could say there's going to be a right tear up." says the man even more enthusiastically.

The girl stumbles, "You could say...you could...say."

There is a prolonged pause, punctuated with 'umms' and 'errs' whilst both try and fail to think of something to say.

"You could say," shouts the second man, standing up, "You could say, that the shittake is about to hit the flan."

The idiots burst into laughter, "You are so crazy!" says the girl to the second man, "I love it. Brilliant!"

The second man sits down and fantasizes about stabbing himself in the eye with a pencil.